Sometimes it’s really hard to really articulate words that make sense about the way I feel about my life these days. If you follow me on social media you know there’s been a shift in my life over the past year or so, as well as in my thoughts, beliefs and body. It’s different; it’s been different for quite some time now and I’d like to reflect on that. Although I’ve always been known to seek out things that are fulfilling to me – especially in my early twenties – there came a point where I began to question what I was doing and why; I was questioning these things not because of my own perception of myself and my needs, but others perceptions of me. I placed my worth, my decisions and most destructively, my life in its entirety in the hands of others. Subconsciously I relied on them to make my decisions for me, to tell me what was right and what was wrong. I lived by what I thought society’s means of “reality” were and did what I thought I absolutely had to do, not necessarily what I wanted to do. I wouldn’t ever agree with the fact that you can get everything you want in life, but I do agree with the fact that you most definitely can get everything that you need. I spent quite a while enlisting myself in things that I deemed necessary to be a successful woman, when really, I was setting myself up for a life of merely existence and pretend, not living. I’ve always been a positive person but there were times where that positivity was as fake as a Barbie dolls tits. I won’t ever say I wasted this time when I was engulfed in this robot-like mode, because more than anything I am grateful that it’s lead me to where I am now: wandering, but not lost, living, but on my own terms. These terms entail failure, growth and most importantly: these terms entail purpose. It’s nice to finally smile on purpose, to be genuinely happy and in a position where I can truly say that I am a human being and I have no apologies for that. I also still really love weenies.
Somedays I wake up and just think to myself “woah, this is my life”. Sounds so stupid, like duh, this is your life, idiot. The choices I make I have to take complete ownership for and sometimes that shit is hard. I fuck up, I’m only a human. There are things I will apologize for, claim as failures, but never mistakes because if I’ve learned anything within this past year of flux and change, nothing is a mistake if it’s productive, and all of my failures have given me so much more strength and experience. I no longer lie to myself and others about my life and my feelings, I express my weaknesses, my failures as well as my strengths and triumphs. Never let the fear of failure hold you back, because no matter what, it’s going to happen, or you’re just going to be fucking loaf of bread for the rest of your life. Stale, crusty, plain ole bread. Don’t be a loaf. Be focaccia or something, extra cheese and sun dried tomatoes.
I wake up each day, again, think to myself “woah, this is my life”. This empowers me to make my own decisions, take ownership of those decisions and let them provide me with results: success or solution. When shit happens, I have two choices on how to react: negatively or productively. I have definitely been guilty of swimming in my own shit before; just as disgusting as it sounds, it feels that way too. I let my feelings on the inside manifest in a way that was not only unhealthy, but totally unproductive. You can only fake it til you make it for so long…oh, and you won’t actually make it. You have to be honest with yourself and others and do hard fucking things, things that scare you, things that society tells you not to do, things that your mind tries to tell you that you don’t need to do, but in your rational head, you realize taking action matters. You have to teach yourself how to cope, how to move on and for me most importantly, how to express your feelings when you’re hurting. You are never, ever alone and the feedback from others, or just simply someone being there with an ear to listen makes a huge difference. Once I began working at Lululemon I was so afraid of myself because I let myself sit in my shit instead of cleaning it up and owning my life. I felt sorry for myself for just getting laid off (this happened in January of 2015 – over a year ago, which I had discussed in a previous blog post). I abused myself by over-exerting myself and assigning myself too many tasks to complete so that I always felt busy, I over exercised and meticulously lived day in and day out with complete control over my body in attempt to comfort my mind. This was my means of controlling something because I had felt that my life was so out of control, I needed at least something to take hold of. I had many hard talks with coworkers and friends that really pissed me off in the moment and made me feel so defensive and looked down upon, when in reality, I look back now and realize that those tough conversations were productive, they made me realize that the way I was coming across to people was not who I genuinely was as a person. These people that were giving me this feedback saw that I was struggling and questioned whether I was truly letting go of my demons. These people never gave up on me and trusted that with their support and my realizations, that I’d renew myself and live in authenticity again. No more bullshit, no more faking it. Megan is a happy, soulful and goofy person. Megan knows what she needs, what she wants, and houses the confidence and strength in her soul to attain it. Let’s be real here: who enjoys being in the presence of someone sitting in their own shit? No one. Things needed to change because not only was I destroying myself, but others as well. I began living my life for myself: making my own decisions, asking for feedback and advice when necessary, but taking it all in with a grain of salt and also a grain of love, knowing that the people in my life only want the best for me and they know who I am capable of being.
No, I don’t work the typical Monday through Friday, 9-5 gig like most adults do, but that is definitely what I assumed I was “supposed to do” when I graduated college with a degree in graphic design. So I did, and I was miserable, but I stayed complacent because again, that’s how it’s supposed to be, right? It took getting laid off and scrambling around like a nutcase to find newness. This newness wasn’t just a new job, in these months of stress and anxiety and that feeling of failure, I lost so much, but you know what I did find? Myself. I find it easier now to stand up for myself, my life and my decisions when I know I’m empowered and completely in charge of my life. I am living on purpose. Each decision is my own, each moment is my own and I consciously live with the fact that each moment given to me is a gift. More than anything I want to give that gift away and help others realize that life doesn’t have to be miserable, you don’t have to abuse or feel sorry for yourself. Sure, you’re allowed to be sad, angry and maybe want to throw chairs and inanimate (maybe animate) objects at every-freaking-breathing-being within a twenty foot radius of you, but don’t let those emotions define you, feel them and set them free. From experience I know that I can only give that gift away by acting upon my words; I can shell out as much advice as I want, but if I’m not taking it myself and putting it into action, how dare I expect others to do so. There will always be situations in your life that are completely out of your control, you will fail and you will fall, hard. Know that, but also know that you have the power to cultivate your reaction and ask yourself revealing questions, bring awareness into your life. Reach out for help if you need it, there is nothing embarrassing about being a human being. I fuck up and there are things in this life that I will always ask for forgiveness for. That’s ok. I still drive myself up the wall sometimes asking if I’m doing enough, if I’m providing enough for myself and for others, if I’m making enough money, if I need to wax my eyebrows, if I’m present enough in peoples’ lives and if I am giving away as much love as I’m receiving. These questions, though, help keep me in check and keep me constantly asking myself the most fulfilling question of all: am I living my life on purpose?
I will wake up tomorrow and relish in the fact that I have the gift of a new day given to me. Every moment is my decision and being well aware of the fact that God has a plan for me and that I will never be a perfect person gives me peace. I will walk with my head up high knowing that I am responsible for myself, my actions, reactions and my appearance. Gone are the days where I carelessly flounder and do things “because I’m supposed to”. I am certainly not a loaf of bread, I am a fancy ass slice of focaccia with extra cheese and sun-dried tomatoes. I wing my eyeliner like a fuckin’ boss (unless I’ve had too much coffee), I dress myself in clothes I feel the most comfortable in and rock the shit out of some shoes (new obsession…RIP wallet..) and scarves, I compete in a little teeny bikini and heels high enough to potentially fuck up my face every now and then and I am a human. I am on this earth for a purpose and so are you, never forget that.